#TheThingsIDoAtInterning

I filled in for my editor this week while she was away in Belfast interviewing James Cameron. (Yawn.) I sat at her desk at the head of the editorial section instead of my usual  place 10m away and several rows across in interning Siberia.

Full-time work in entertainment journalism is draining. Normally I only go in two days a week and so still escape with some shred of my soul intact. I've hardened my heart and dulled the light in my eyes so I can report with truth and integrity the latest news concerning Kim Kardashian. However, doing this vapid, soulless work day in day out is mind-numbing and devastating. And probably detrimental to one's health.  I'm so glad to have a three-week breather after today.

Anyway moving on, the point of this post is that my workplace- the Lifestyle and Entertainment section of the third-highest-ranking news media site in Australia- is fucking hilarious in a 'can you believe the shit that was just said' way from ANY NORMAL PERSON'S point of view. Normally at interning I'm too dazed and cocooned in my shelter of ignoring everyone, and intimidated and too timid to point out everyone's absurd behaviour with my usual barbed cynicism, and their ridiculous comments just go over my head. It's only later when i recount the menial tasks that make up my daily workload to my friends do i realise that MY INTERNSHIP IS A THE SETTING OF A SURREALIST COMEDY and OUTRAGEOUS things happen daily. And that the only way i can save myself from metaphorical self-immolation is to laugh and laugh (and die a little inside) and laugh about it.

So here goes, the first post in a new series I'm doing called The Things I Do At Interning: 

DATE: TGIFRIDAY 14/9/2012

9.30am: Look up from my screen. Everyone is on that GIFs tumblr that is addictive and my procrastination main-stay during exams . Productivity from the Lifestyle & Entertainment team grounds to a halt at 10am.

9.35am: Crowd around the Lifestyle's editor's computer screen and feign interest in Kate Middleton's 'omgahhh it's so obvious'  it's totally non-existant baby bump. And the icky Alexander McQueen dress she's wearing. Gosh, seriously McQueen...

9.45am: Toss ideas around for a gallery: "10 Reasons why Kate Middleton must be preggers" Screech the fact that she toasted the Queen with water, WITH WATER, SHE WAS DRINKING WATER NOT ALCOHOL,ALCOHOL IS BAD FOR BABIES GUYS, WATER a million times. Plus the fact that her hair is frizzy-ish, her cleavage is popping and her dress sense is off cos she's got baby on the brain...she is DEFINITELY PREGNANT. Go Front Page with the story.

11am: Everyone goes off to a boring presentation about online monitoring blah blah blah and quaterly pep-talk/ meeting with the Yahoo CEO. My editor sneaks back in midway unable to break his chain to his desk. His colouring has deepened- he is very stressed.

12pm: The rest of the team come back. There is much backslapping,omg we won a prize and speeches were read out ! L&E get $1000 to spend on a boozy team lunch, interns included. YES. I knew i took this unpaid job for a reason...

12.03pm:Get spritzed in the face with rose-water mist. Yes, you're right J.Lo, i do feel exactly like you!

12.04pm: Spend an hour creating the cover image for the 'Celebrity Nipple Slips' gallery i created yesterday. 40min is spent on figuring out which Photoshop shape is the best to censor nipples with. From tiny hearts to stars to black strips to exclamation marks (my editor urges me just to make them 'bold' and they'll work...no they won't man! The skinny motherfuckers!)

1pm: BREAKING NEWS: More royal rows to come because A FRENCH MAG IS THREATENING TO PRINT PHOTOS OF A TOPLESS KATE EN VACANCE. The froggy bastards!! Poor Kate's a hot mess, oh oh telltale Princess Di-style pap hounding anyone?

Dw Your Majesty, the baby will make everything alright!

1.01pm: Everyone's in a gleeful tizzy. My editor whips around and says STOP RIGHT NOW FRANCES. STOP WHAT YOU'RE DOING ( a gallery titled "STARS WHO RAN OFF WITH THE HELP" - on the back of Heidi Klum fornicating with her bodyguard of course) because we are sooooooooo going to do a "NUDE CELEBRITY PHOTO SCANDALS". Noooooooooooo.

1.15pm: I wake with a jolt, having faceplanted into my keyboard. Oh it was all just a micro-sleep dream. I get on with photo-shopping Robin Williams and his nanny-wife.

1.17pm: My editor whips around and says STOP RIGHT NOW FRANCES. STOP WHAT YOU'RE DOING

1.18pm: I type into Google: "leaked nude photo scandals"

SCOFF DOWN DELICIOUS LUNCH. FOR PURPOSES OF BLOG BEING MY DIARY:  IT WAS A SOURDOUGH ROLL WITH SMOKED HAM, PLASTIC CHEESE, AIOLI-FANCYMAYO AND AVOCADO. HEAVEN IS A PLACE ON EARTH.

3pm: Pick Harry Styles, Christina Hendricks and Blake Lively for the cover image, smugly thinking Ha! I've got something for everyone here...boyband hearthrob, mad boobs, nakey nakey pics. Argue with editor over whether or not to include Kate on the cover (editorial tie-in helloooooooooo).

3.02pm: End up cutting two versions, one with Kate, one without. I grit my teeth. I just want to be outside basking in the sun. Next to the water.

3.05pm: I get outta there. I go via the lolly bowl in reception. I'm as happy as a cat outside in the fresh air.

3.50pm: Back at my desk, aimlessly looking through Getty.

4pm: The Friday Arvo Drinks Fridge downstairs cracks open.

4.02pm: OMG I REALISE IT'S FRIDAY ARVO DRINKS TIMEEEEE. One of the producers offers to get me my standard coke. He brings back a bottle of prosecco, savvy b and my lonely coke. Which is a coke zero......thanks a lot man.

4.05pm:  We be drinking the prosecco in wine glasses and all is well.

4.10pm: Oh no, the round of sex jokes has begun. All the gossipy stories come out of the woodwork...I really really don't want to hear about how my editor discovered what 'pegging' meant...

4.30pm: Whole team complains in unison about how looooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng this day has been. And how TGIF.

4.32: Editor makes me an admin of the site's official FB page so I can update it with arvo stories while he ploughs on with the stats report. HAHAHA. I ask if he wants me to run the posts by him before hitting 'Update'. He says he trusts me. OH THE POWER!

4.35: Doing a story on Britney settling her sexual harrassment suit with her bodygaurd. Ed says i should include something light-hearted at the end of my post like "Keep it clean, guys! smiley face" to deter the trolls on the site who will hate on Britney. Social-media interact responsibly guys.

4.40: I end up posting this: "Well it's been a big week for Britney who's managed to settle the sexual harassment case with her ex-bodyguard. Without that toxic lawsuit hanging over her head, she'll be able to get on with her judging duties on the X-Factor which started this week. Do you think Brit will be a harsh judge?" 

Oooooh indeed.

4.50: Fluffy post on Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnilo having a baby boy. Name: Camden. That's normalish enough. 

5.10pm: Leave. Get the hell out. I'll have a  break from entertainment journalism interning for two weeks! I skip out the door.